i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
