Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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