I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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