I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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