Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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