wanna go halves on a baby?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
