i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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