I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
