I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
