wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
