Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
