there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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