I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
