I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
we're so committed to being not committed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize