Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
