see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
