John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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