420 ftw
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
tell me about the eggs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
