I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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