the condom got lost in my hair
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
