I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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