At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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