i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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