I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
