She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
