im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There's even glitter on my cock...
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