Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
