thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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