Im at strip club and am horny
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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