very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
