I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
