I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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