I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
