I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
