The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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