you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
