I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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