im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
