I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
