The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
