I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize