I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
