I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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