i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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