When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
