i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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