what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize