i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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