i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
