he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
