Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
