Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
