Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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