just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
