I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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