I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
