For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
