His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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