I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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