i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
