and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize