i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
