well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
