You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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