i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize