Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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